Do your boobs ever sweat?
Mine do.
Maybe it’s because they’re big ole nursing jugs?
Today, I should have known better.
After we dropped Jason off DT, we headed to Trader Jos. There wasn’t much to get, so I thought I would let baby Zeke sit in the cart and Amelia walk. This was the first time. It worked great! She had fun, I had fun and baby Zeke had a blast.
I was so encouraged and feeling good. I decided to go across the street to Fred Meyer.
What was I thinking?
Well, I was thinking, Jennifer can do it and she has THREE. I can totally do it with two.
There right by my parking space was one of those carts that “looks” like a race car and seats two. Since baby Zeke did so well, I thought I’d take him out of the car seat and sit him in the cart next to Amelia.
Everything was going well until baby Zeke let out the loudest scream I’ve ever heard.
Oh crap.
Please, not yet, we’re close but I have to think.
I start moving in double time.
Amelia in the mean time is saying:
“Mama, I want a baannnaaanna.”
“Mama, you home from the DR?”
“Mama baby Zeke is crrryyyying.”
“Mama I want a baaaannnaaanaaa.”
“Mama mama mama”
“AHHHHHGGG, Mama get my balloon.”
(Came from Trader Jos and she let go of it)
Double crap.
Me to Amelia: “You know what Mama’s wants Amelia?”
Amelia: “What Mama?”
Me: “A beer and a Valium.”
Amelia: “My Papa has beer.”
The older lady next to me gave me a look that made me feel like a bad parent.
So, I’m holding baby Zeke, trying to navigate this horrible shopping cart with one hand and wishing I had a mute button for Amelia.
We get to the checkout line and they are all packed.
So I head to the self check.
Baby Zeke is screaming so hard he’s not breathing.
Sweat starts to form under my enormous boobs.
The lady that makes sure that you scan everything comes over.
Even after I shoot her a look that should have stopped her in her tracks, so, what does she do?
Yup, SHE TOUCHES BABY ZEKE.
Are you kidding me? Do you think that by touching my child’s FACE it’s going to help?
I turned to her and said threw clenched teeth:
“Please get your hands off my baby.”
She looked and me and said
“Oh, but I’m really good with babies.”
The next look I gave her made her turn and leave and not look at me again.
I make it threw the line; get everything back in my cart.
Look at the bench in front of me and do it.
That is pull out my big ole sweaty boob and stick it in his mouth.
Every woman who walked by smiled with a knowing look.
Every guy‘s mouth was hanging open.
Ah...sweaty boobs.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
It's looking up. (LISA DON'T LOOK!)
So, despite all the crappyness that happened this week, things came together much better than I thought.
While at Old House I looked up in the kitchen and spied my friend Cari Carter's "Shark" sewing machine sitting there...
Now, let me tell ya, it's not a great piece of machinery, but it got the job done. So thank you Cari Carter for loaning it to me, what like three years ago? You saved me.
The top is done.
The back is done.
Now,it just needs:
Ironing
Batting
Pinning
Quilting
Binding
Can I do it by Sunday with two kids, and a house remodel to finish up?
Wish me luck!
While at Old House I looked up in the kitchen and spied my friend Cari Carter's "Shark" sewing machine sitting there...
Now, let me tell ya, it's not a great piece of machinery, but it got the job done. So thank you Cari Carter for loaning it to me, what like three years ago? You saved me.
The top is done.
The back is done.
Now,it just needs:
Ironing
Batting
Pinning
Quilting
Binding
Can I do it by Sunday with two kids, and a house remodel to finish up?
Wish me luck!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
I should have known...
(NOTE: Tiffany Ann Carlton-if you are reading this STOP. Your Aunt Jen has had a bad day and is swearing a lot.)
...starting off the day with Amelia in a time out probably wouldn't end up so great.
And we are not even half way through the day.
We were getting ready to run some errands.
I was checking my email.
Heard a horrendous noise from the dinning room.
My heart feel into my stomach.
Baby Zeke's on the table in his car seat.
But I hear no crying.
I run in.
And see Amelia standing over my 40 pound Husqvarna sewing machine that has fallen to the floor.
She had some how managed to pull it off the table.
I want to throw up.
Thankfully, she was not hurt.
I think the thing could have crushed her.
I picked up the pieces and prayed that it was still functioning.
No luck. The part that broke, wont even move.
And yes, of course I am right in the middle of a project.
I felt like Amelia did when I broke Baby.
I packed it up.
Got the kids in the car and made my way up lovely 82nd Ave to the machine fix-it shop.
When I put it on the counter the girl with the missing teeth (gross) said:
"Oh wow, that's really broken"
Really? Cuz I thought is was just a little broken-dumb ass.
She didn't know what she was doing so I had to wait for a technician.
I walked around the store and looked at all the $4000 dollar machine. What? Really? For that I would hope they would cook you dinner, do your laundry and get you off.
When the technician finally got to me, this is how our conversation went:
Him: "This is really old."
Me: "Yup, can you fix it."
Him: "They don't make these any more"
Me: "I know, can you fix it."
Him: "What's wrong with it?"
Me: "The side is smashed in." Dumb-ass
Him: "Hmmm, well this is really old isn't."
Me: "Yes, I think we have established that it's old, can you fix it."
(totally trying not to reach over the counter and strangle him.)
Him trying to turn the nob: "Wow, it's really stuck."
Me: "Yes, it's really sticky (laughing to myself)"
Him: "So what's wrong with it."
Me: "Really? Like I said, the side is smashed in. It fell off a table and is now smashed, broken and not turning."
Him: "Well, you know, it's really old."
OH MY FUCKING GOD. Seriously. No joke. You know what's OLD-His FUCKING ASS.
Me: "Listen, I know it's old, I know they don't make it any more, but what I need to know from you right now is if you can fix it."
Him: "Oh sure, shouldn't be a problem, I'm sure we have a used part."
Now how hard was that? He took my name and number, told me it would be about a week.
Me: "So about how much will it be?"
Him: "Imports are a flat fee of $119 plus parts."
Me: "Oh, well, let me think for a minute, that's almost what I paid for it."
Him: "Well ya, I mean because that's what it probably cost way back then."
Me: "No, I just bought it a few years ago."
Him: "We'll, it is pretty old. Want me to show you something new?"
I looked at him and said "FIX IT" and left.
Now, mind you, this whole time a crazy lady, who was actually OLD was trying to tickle Amelia and baby Zeke.
Amelia was clutched to my leg saying "DON'T TOUCH ME, PLEASE."
I moved Zeke in front of me to make it hard for her to even see him, yet, she continued to violate my space and try and tickle his face. YES HIS FACE. The phrase GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF MY CHILDREN kept playing over and over again in my head. Again, all while being told how old my 1972 machine is OLD.
That's the year I was born.
Fucker.
The day has continued to get worse.
But I wont bore you.
Most of you have bigger things going on then this.
And yes, Jason there is a big dent in the floor.
And yes, I was being careful.
I still don't know how in the world it happened.
And, the reason I was sewing up stairs instead of my awesome new sewing area, is because I didn't want to haul the ironing board downstairs and then have to run up every time baby Zeke woke up. I guess I'm lazy that way.
...starting off the day with Amelia in a time out probably wouldn't end up so great.
And we are not even half way through the day.
We were getting ready to run some errands.
I was checking my email.
Heard a horrendous noise from the dinning room.
My heart feel into my stomach.
Baby Zeke's on the table in his car seat.
But I hear no crying.
I run in.
And see Amelia standing over my 40 pound Husqvarna sewing machine that has fallen to the floor.
She had some how managed to pull it off the table.
I want to throw up.
Thankfully, she was not hurt.
I think the thing could have crushed her.
I picked up the pieces and prayed that it was still functioning.
No luck. The part that broke, wont even move.
And yes, of course I am right in the middle of a project.
I felt like Amelia did when I broke Baby.
I packed it up.
Got the kids in the car and made my way up lovely 82nd Ave to the machine fix-it shop.
When I put it on the counter the girl with the missing teeth (gross) said:
"Oh wow, that's really broken"
Really? Cuz I thought is was just a little broken-dumb ass.
She didn't know what she was doing so I had to wait for a technician.
I walked around the store and looked at all the $4000 dollar machine. What? Really? For that I would hope they would cook you dinner, do your laundry and get you off.
When the technician finally got to me, this is how our conversation went:
Him: "This is really old."
Me: "Yup, can you fix it."
Him: "They don't make these any more"
Me: "I know, can you fix it."
Him: "What's wrong with it?"
Me: "The side is smashed in." Dumb-ass
Him: "Hmmm, well this is really old isn't."
Me: "Yes, I think we have established that it's old, can you fix it."
(totally trying not to reach over the counter and strangle him.)
Him trying to turn the nob: "Wow, it's really stuck."
Me: "Yes, it's really sticky (laughing to myself)"
Him: "So what's wrong with it."
Me: "Really? Like I said, the side is smashed in. It fell off a table and is now smashed, broken and not turning."
Him: "Well, you know, it's really old."
OH MY FUCKING GOD. Seriously. No joke. You know what's OLD-His FUCKING ASS.
Me: "Listen, I know it's old, I know they don't make it any more, but what I need to know from you right now is if you can fix it."
Him: "Oh sure, shouldn't be a problem, I'm sure we have a used part."
Now how hard was that? He took my name and number, told me it would be about a week.
Me: "So about how much will it be?"
Him: "Imports are a flat fee of $119 plus parts."
Me: "Oh, well, let me think for a minute, that's almost what I paid for it."
Him: "Well ya, I mean because that's what it probably cost way back then."
Me: "No, I just bought it a few years ago."
Him: "We'll, it is pretty old. Want me to show you something new?"
I looked at him and said "FIX IT" and left.
Now, mind you, this whole time a crazy lady, who was actually OLD was trying to tickle Amelia and baby Zeke.
Amelia was clutched to my leg saying "DON'T TOUCH ME, PLEASE."
I moved Zeke in front of me to make it hard for her to even see him, yet, she continued to violate my space and try and tickle his face. YES HIS FACE. The phrase GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF MY CHILDREN kept playing over and over again in my head. Again, all while being told how old my 1972 machine is OLD.
That's the year I was born.
Fucker.
The day has continued to get worse.
But I wont bore you.
Most of you have bigger things going on then this.
And yes, Jason there is a big dent in the floor.
And yes, I was being careful.
I still don't know how in the world it happened.
And, the reason I was sewing up stairs instead of my awesome new sewing area, is because I didn't want to haul the ironing board downstairs and then have to run up every time baby Zeke woke up. I guess I'm lazy that way.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
It's coming along...
The Owl quilt is coming along nicely...
The kids have been so kind and have both napped at the same time this week.
I don't see much progress happening over the next few days, so hopefully what i have left will go fast!
The kids have been so kind and have both napped at the same time this week.
I don't see much progress happening over the next few days, so hopefully what i have left will go fast!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Big ASS cake with a slice gone
This cake was made with love for Jason and Darren on Father's day.
Three layers of dark chocolate with a couple cups of Guinness thrown in.
Dark chocolate ganache topped it.
Oh my it was good.
Indie Rocker Chick
Jason dressed her on Sunday...
Since it was father's day, I didn't make him change her.
She had on dirty jeans.
A stained too small t-shirt.
And her hair wasn't combed.
He thought she looked like an Indie Rocker.
She did.
Though, I don't think most Indie Kids have their diapers poking out of their pants.
Interested in how it worked more than anything...
It was his first time to swing...I think he liked it.
Though, he was studying how it worked more.
I'm thinking he might have gotten Jason's mind.
Return of the leather vest man...
Apparently, when it's below 80 degrees, he wears a flannel shirt with the vest.
I hope I hope it hits 81 today.
Ugh. It's almost as bad as the really really fat old guy down the street watering his grass in some of those 1970's gym teacher shorts.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Jog Suits
Sometimes I wish I had a "jog suit".
But then again, it just reminds me of all the ladies flying out of Newark.
Big hair.
Big rings.
Big boobs.
Big ass.
Cheap husband.
I'm glad I don't have one.
But think it's funny that the kids do.
Blue eyes...
I think they just might stay that way.
He's so cute that some times I squeeze him so hard he squawks.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Off to pick raspberries
We have raspberries in our yard...
Last year I made loads of jam.
Amelia and Jason were being too loud tonight after dinner.
Geez toddlers.
I sent them out to check on the progress.
I can't wait to make a new batch of freezer jam.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Milwaukie at it's best...
So we live in Portland.
Milwaukie is across the street.
We're pretty snobby about this.
This charming gentleman, lives in a rental across the street. He's one of the ever revolving men that "hang out" with the women who rents the dump.
I think he was going after a little boy that might have takin' another little boys skate board.
There's goin' be a beat down I rekcon'.
Oh and yes, that IS a leather vest.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
She stole my Pearls
They were on the bed...trying to unpack from M and E's kick ass wedding.
She grabbed them so fast I didn't even notice.
I was so worried that she was going to trip over them, I had to take them away...they're as long as her.
The head band, well, she's been wearing it for days!
What I did with my Wedding Favor
Isn't it pretty?
Morgan grew herbs for the center pieces for their wedding. I ended up with two.
Might be greedy of me but I really wanted both and it was the end of the night. There was some drama happening...no one noticed.
Didn't want them to go to waste!
I will plant them soon.
Need some dirt though.
In the mean time, they're having a grand ole time in my pretty bowl and lemons.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Pavlov vs a Pit Bull
This is what I've been dealing with the last few days.
It's gross...but at least I didn't post the close up.
Pav got in a fight.
We weren't home, so not sure how the other dog fared. All I know is it was a Pit and the owners were taunting Pav.
The worst part, I mean besides him having twenty stitches, is that Jason is gone this week, so that leaves just me to tend to him, clean his wounds, clean up all the stuff that comes out of the drains, give him his medicine, take him out side to pee, and oh, take care of a baby and Amelia while trying to get things done at home and the old house.
I'm tired.
I don't want animals anymore.
Anyone?
Green Carrott Salad...Here I come!
You are so jealous!
Yes you Jonica.
My casserole is now going to kick your casseroles ASS!
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